Beyond fighting less (or at least more productively), the concept of love languages is a great for maintaining the relationship, too. For example, I know both of us feel affection by spending quality time together, so I know it’s important to schedule this time to keeping our relationship strong. If we ever had a long distance relationship, we’d probably struggle quite a bit with it, and we’d need to put in more effort than people who don’t speak the language of “Quality Time.” When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it’s easy to get complacent and let things get stale. When you know your partner’s love language, it’s incredibly easy to recharge. It’s like a cheat code for your relationship.
Of course, the concept is also helpful in simply expressing your love in the best possible way. For my fiancé’s birthdays, I’d always put a huge amount of thought into his physical gift. Now that I know quality time is more important to him, I cater to that instead. I put more energy into planning birthday trips together rather than whatever physical gift I’m going to buy him.
You Can Use Love Languages for Other Relationships, Too
I’ve found that the concept of love languages helps pretty much any relationship, not just romantic ones. It’s useful to understand what matters to people.
For example, I used to get angry at my brother for being terrible at keeping in touch. He rarely calls, and it hurt my feelings. But then, we’d get together at family events and have long, meaningful conversations, and everything was great. He’d tell me how much I mean to him, and I’d feel reassured. But then he’d go back to being terrible at keeping in touch, and I’d get my feelings hurt all over again.
It took time to realize that his “love language” is 100% Words of Affirmation and 0% Quality Time or Acts of Service. It seems strange to me, but that’s him, and that’s how he expresses (or doesn’t express) affection. Once I got that, his lack of calling stopped hurting my feelings. And it works the other way, too. Recently, he complained that my Dad and I always want to talk to him on the phone and he doesn’t understand why.
“I hate talking on the phone,” he said. “So I don’t do it. I don’t know why that hurts people’s feelings.”
I joked, “Because when you don’t keep in touch, we think you don’t love us anymore.” “Oh shit,” he laughed, and since then, he’s been better at reaching out.
It’s worth noting that your love language might vary depending on the person, too. My brother might speak a different language in a romantic relationship than he does with family. And while I need quality time with my partner and family, I don’t necessarily need quality time with friends to feel like they care or vice versa.
It can help in business, too. Business Strategist Marie Forleo says the love languages concept is her “secret weapon” in maintaining a happy team. As a leader, she finds out how each person on her team feels appreciated, and she can then motivate them accordingly.
Chapman even wrote a follow-up book specifically aimed at the workplace: The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. They’re pretty much the same, but his explainers are translated for professional relationships rather than romantic ones. However, you can probably translate pretty easily on your own by simply taking a look at their behavior and how they respond to things.
Overall, it all comes down to knowing what’s important to people so you can understand, empathise, and work with them a little better. Everyone is different. We all have different life experiences; we come from different backgrounds. It makes sense that we communicate differently, too.
Love languages can’t fix everything, of course. They’re not going to solve your joint money problems, for example. They’re not going to make your in-laws more tolerable or get your partner to help out more around the house. But the concept does go a long way in communicating better, and we all know how much that matters in a relationship.
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